Chinese Food

I am at my Nana's house now debating whether or not I should be content with the fact that I am here. I am here until Monday night, as my mother and her boyfriend tour Canada. She doesn't trust me alone, and why should she? Of course I wouldn't have any parties, they never truely interested me. I would probably consume my time by walking long ways away, passively observing people and somehow ending up in the next town, visits to the library, and debating philisopical ideas before I drift og to sleep. So am I content with wasting away infront of a television while I could be exploring? I am not sure. But it is her decition.
After just putting asside my vegetarian ways for a day, I regret the fact that I did. I can feel the chinese food ooze out of my pores as I continously gag up the grease I just inhaled.
I need to get out. My usually optimistic self is feeling the weight of being in this small place. I need air. I need my bliss. For I will not feel sorry for myself though. I will not.

My throat is Dry

My throat it dry from dehydration, though I refuse to take a drink of water fearing to fuel the tears that wish to run down my hot face.
I want to say it doesn't matter, all of this, this thing we call life, that there is one after it, perhaps better than the one before. And my refusal to accect the inevitable that we are infact mortal.
Do we really cry for their lose of life, or our lose?
There are so many fingers I want to point at people. So many I want to put the blame on, but the fact that I can't is appalling. The fact that it is a natraul part of whatever this is, kills me a little each time I think about it. And it's not the fact that I am mortal that chains me to these tears, it's the fact that other's are not.
-Me-

Man...

Tell me, how can you believe something if the evidence is not relevant???
HOW?

(Ironically this has nothing to do with religion, but emotion)

I cannot say how many hours I have sat on the stairs, or in the bamboo room contemplating this. I sit, and the same thoughts keep repeating themselve in my head. Each time it goes around, the more I hurt.
I hide behind a mask of "I'm ok" and "Nothing, I'm just thinking."
But that is not in the essance all false. Infact, at that time, I was in the process of thinking. But it's not thinking any longer when your answer is still the two you had originally thought to deside between.

A part of me thinks of how self centered I really am with my constant downing of self pity. As pathetic as it is, I feel as if it is not under good reasons. My whole philosophy is the fact that Life goes on, although this is contradiction all that. I mean, this consists the future, and I know time is flying beside me. DO I REALLY WANT TO WATCH IT AS I WAIT FOR THIS?

And infact I almost had made up my desition, accept I didn't.
Why?



On a different note, I think I am going to take a year off of Boarding school and go to public school. While doing so, I think I shall apply to Dublin (shit man... ) for my Junior year. I think you can have cars on campus.
But the public school may be bow, not Manchester.

Today is another day

Well I am sitting in a hotel. This is fair from usual for Shackleton. Being that we hardle ever go into motels, hotels are an extra treat. But even though we are in Shackleton luxuary, the desire to be at home has ever been higher. And the first day heading home, the endurance sank.
So here we are, in a moderatly nice hotel, in the beautiful desert called New Mexico. The sun has been shinning for two days now since we were were stranded here.